I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
