she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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