she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
