Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
