i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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