No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
