I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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