Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
