What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
