I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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