I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
