my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
