She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
