I am in a vortex of obligation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
