Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
