Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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