i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize