u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
we're making bets on your personal life
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
