Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
