they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
