Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You may now shotgun with the bride
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
