Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
