I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My life is pants optional.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
