i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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