On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
