She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
