im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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