I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Randomize
