i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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