Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am spending my child support on dildos
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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