i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
