i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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