If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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