My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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