so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
