remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
