Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
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It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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