If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
