He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
