So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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