party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize