I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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