shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
