Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
why do cheetos always look like penises
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
