ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
