if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
