you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
