maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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