You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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