I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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