i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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