Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
