I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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