Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
