Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
