I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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