New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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