Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
