Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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