Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
