Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
